Motherhood is often painted as a time filled with pure joy, love, and fulfillment. We see images of serene, glowing moms cradling their babies, radiating peace and purpose. But for many moms, the reality can be a lot messier, and it’s not uncommon to feel conflicted or even downright ambivalent about motherhood at times. Maybe you love your baby to pieces but miss the freedom you once had. Or you might find yourself overwhelmed by the demands of parenting, yet deeply grateful for the role. This push and pull, this “ambivalence,” is more common than we often admit—and it’s completely okay.
What Is Ambivalence in Motherhood?
Ambivalence in motherhood means experiencing two contrasting emotions at the same time. You might love your role as a mom, yet feel frustrated or exhausted by it. You may adore your baby’s sweet smile but crave some time alone. These mixed emotions can be confusing and even make you feel guilty, especially when society tells us we should only feel happy and grateful as mothers.
The truth? Ambivalence is normal, natural, and doesn’t make you any less of a wonderful mother.
Why Ambivalence Happens
Ambivalence in motherhood can stem from a range of things—hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, the shift in identity, or the natural challenges that come with raising a tiny human who relies on you completely. Life with a new baby brings immense change, and it’s no surprise that it’s complicated. You’re adjusting to a new role, your relationship dynamics are shifting, and your sense of self may feel completely different.
It’s a lot! It makes sense that there will be days (or moments) when you wonder if you’re cut out for this, if you’ll ever feel like yourself again, or if you’re doing enough.
Embracing the Gray Area
Motherhood isn’t just black and white—it’s filled with shades of gray. One of the best ways to navigate these mixed feelings is to embrace them instead of resisting or feeling guilty. Remind yourself that you can feel multiple things at once. You can be a loving, devoted mother and still have moments where you miss your old life. You can love your child fiercely while also wishing for a bit more space for yourself.
When you accept that both the highs and the lows are part of the experience, you may find it easier to enjoy the journey and appreciate yourself for everything you’re doing.
How to Cope with Ambivalence in Motherhood
Here are a few gentle reminders to help you through those moments of ambivalence:
1. Allow Yourself to Feel
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment. Try not to push away the emotions or feel guilty for them. Instead, remind yourself that you’re human, and it’s okay to experience a mix of feelings. Take a few deep breaths, acknowledge your emotions, and remember you’re not alone.
2. Find Your Support System
Sharing your feelings with other moms can be incredibly validating. A friend or group of moms who can listen without judgment can help you feel understood and remind you that mixed feelings are part of the process. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support, whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, or mom group.
3. Carve Out Time for Yourself
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself—in fact, it’s essential. Carving out moments for things you enjoy, even if it’s just a quiet cup of coffee or a walk, can help restore your energy and remind you of who you are outside of motherhood. Taking time for self-care doesn’t mean you’re taking away from your baby; it’s a gift to both of you.
4. Reframe Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself feeling frustrated or ambivalent, try to reframe it as a natural part of motherhood. Remind yourself that these emotions don’t define your love for your child or your capabilities as a mom. You’re allowed to be both tired and in love, stressed and grateful.
5. Celebrate the Small Wins
It’s easy to get caught up in the moments when things feel hard, but try to recognize and celebrate the small wins, too. Did you make it through a challenging day? Finally get a little nap? Remember, every day won’t be perfect, but even small accomplishments are worth acknowledging.
Ambivalence Doesn’t Define Your Love or Worth
Remember, feeling conflicted doesn’t make you a bad mom. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby or that you’re ungrateful for this role. It just means you’re human, adapting to one of life’s biggest transformations.
Motherhood is full of dualities: joy and exhaustion, love and frustration, closeness and a desire for space. Navigating these mixed emotions is part of the journey, and every feeling you have is valid.
A Gentle Reminder
The next time you find yourself torn between emotions, remember this: ambivalence is normal, it’s okay, and it doesn’t define your worth or love as a mother. Motherhood is a journey filled with ups and downs, and you’re doing an amazing job simply by showing up each day. Embrace the messy, beautiful complexity of it all—and know that every mom feels this way at one point or another.
So here’s to you, navigating the highs and lows of motherhood with grace, strength, and courage.
